Category Archives: Ideas

Concepts for future extention.

The ‘Burbs.

The ‘Burbs. A film by Joe Dante.


I grew up in what was by no means the rural outskirts of a city and was not within sixty miles of what the government class as a city in England, but it certainly had that feel about it. My childhood residence was in a cul-de-sac so this movie has a very close place not only in my funny bone but also to my youthful years. My folks were by no means people who would twitch curtains and are not what I would call nosy but they certainly had an interest in what went on and still goes on in their little corner of the world. The Burbs takes this nosy neighbour idea, multiplies it by a considerable number, adds paranoia and general boredom to the character’s lives and tops it off with a very American cold war unease but without the actual threat.

What makes this Movie so enjoyable for me is not the plot, as it is pretty singular and you think is only ever going to come to one conclusion, but the different characters that interact within the piece. Each member of the neighbourhood adds their own elements to the story and the comedy, the stressed business man who is taking a week off work to relax only to have his plans dashed by his interfering neighbours. His wife who can see her husband getting more and more worked up by the events unfolding before her and continuously tries to help him relax. The two main culprits that drag her husband into all the stupid games are a Korean War veteran with every type of military equipment available for them to do all the spying that want and his partner in crime a bored house husband with too much time on his hands and an overactive imagination. With the laid-back teenager, painting his parent’s house for the summer whilst they are away, looking in on the whole scenario as if he is almost part of the audience. All of them are spying on and surmising over the movements and habits of the less than social new family on the street with the run down house and unkempt lawn. It is this lack of social interaction that brings about the main plot device. Who are the Klopek’s? When did they move in and how many of them are there?

What I think also draws me to it are the subtle underlying levels of horror and peril that are thrown in throughout posing a very real question that we must all ask ourselves at times. How well do we actually know our neighbours? You may disagree, thinking that it is merely a comedy, but I think that there is a very fine line between horror and comedy. This seems to be a running theme throughout many of Joe Dante’s movies, Gremlins, Innerspace and The Howling all having their roots grounded in comedy but including sinister undertone.

A number of people within my social circle all share the same appreciation for this movie as I do and we have been known to spend an overly long time discussing it, sometimes on a meaningful level, but mostly with jovial recollection.  One of my sisters used to sit and watch it with me when we were younger and my wife beamed about the fond memories the movie gave her the first time we discussed it. A number of my close friends all perk up and discuss it at length when it enters conversation. However, I have also seen people give a very negative opinion about the film and as with most comedy the humour in it is not for everyone. Many a time my sister and I would be watching the movie when my Mother would enter the room and state ‘I hate this film’ in her broad Geordie accent before turning around and exiting the lounge as soon as possible. Another of my sister’s also use to leave the room if we decided ‘The Burbs’ was what was going to be watched, although a lot less vocally than Mum.

The paranoia of the unknown neighbours takes the lead characters measures of finding out more about the Klopek’s to the extreme when they start using night vision goggles to spy on them in the dark. Slip notes under the outcast’s front door, ringing the door bell and then running away like a group of mischievous schoolboys. Forcibly stopping the Bin men from doing their jobs by going through the Klopek’s bins in the middle of the street, in search of any shred of incriminating evidence they can find.

When an elderly neighbour’s dog shows up cold and shaking they presume the worst, thinking that his absence is down to the Klopek’s, so they take it on themselves to check and see if the he is okay. After some snooping around and some breaking and entering they get into the house. Signs of a struggle in the lounge area send the imaginations of the group into overdrive and a whole new bunch of even more outrageous ideas are hatched.

The wives are more sceptical, deciding to put a stop to everything by inviting themselves over to the new Neighbours house and cooking Brownies as a greeting gift. The Klopek’s very reservedly invited their neighbours in offering them pretzels and sardines. What follows are in my opinion moments of comedy gold. Awkward silences and stumbled attempts at pleasantries are the crux of the scene with the social inadequacies of the new family made even more apparent by the invasion of their home. The evening ends when an uninvited guest makes a rather loud entrance through the back garden.

Having had a chance to snoop around the Klopek’s house the husbands hatch a plot to have a more though look around the house when the occupants are away on business the very next day. Again, moments of comic genius unfurl in an over the top and very Hollywood ending.

My conclusion is that if you are at a loss for something to do this coming Sunday why not get hold of a copy of the ‘Burbs, leave all sensible thinking behind you and enjoy this little gem.


Bleach by Nirvana. 1989

Bleach by Nirvana. 1989.


This article is for those of you out there whose love of Music did not start after hearing the opening bars of Smells Like Teen Spirit which left them obsessed with a 3 piece Garage band from Seattle for most of their adolescent life. My aim is to give you the reader an insight into an album that is largely disregarded due to the popularity of the two preceding studio albums from Nirvana. I feel that people should take an hour out of their busy lives and listen to each of Nirvana’s studio albums and unplugged in New York at least once. But with this article I would like to concentrate on their debut and probably least revered album, Bleach.

Released in June 1989 it received positive reviews but failed to reach the US Billboard album charts selling 40,000 copies in North America. Its bleak lyrics and heavy riffs were at the time competing against albums such as Madonna’s Like a Prayer, Queen’s The Miracle and Aerosmith’s Pump, and the mainstream market was not quite ready for this sound. It would only gain recognition firstly after the release of Nirvana’s second album Nevermind when Bleach was re-released in 1992 and then later after the Death of Kurt Cobain, where all material by the trio was bought en masse. Bleach subsequently reach number 6 in the Top Pop Catalog Chart and sold over 4.0 Million copies worldwide.

But enough statistics!

Let me tell you what I love about this album. From it’s opening Bass riff it drags you down into a beautifully bleak sound that is not quite Heavy Metal, nor is it Rock but the foundations of an entire Genre that would rise out of the rainy region of the Pacific North West of America. Grunge.

I will admit that I probably did not own this album until maybe 1992 or ’93 but in my defense I was 8 years old when it was released and at the time was still worshiping 4 mutated reptilian New Yorkers. Even after it became part of my ever expanding music collection it was hard to see past Nevermind. However my years have learned me and made me realise that although Nevermind is a masterpiece my love of Bleach and In Utero runs deeper. Whether it is because I played Nevermind too much? Probably! Bleach just has that raw energy to it that comes so often with debut albums.

Normally reviewers will advise certain songs that you should skip to because they jump out at that person when listening but I feel that the album has a wonderful fluidity about it and should be enjoyed in its entirety on the first consumption. Picking it apart would be an injustice to the piece of work as often in this MP3 age tracks of albums are disregarded because people are not familiar with them or have not found the time to truly listen. But as this is a review I will list a few of the songs that people should pay specific attention too.

We open with, Blew. Krist Novoselic delivering a truly dirty opening Bass riff  before bursting into life with electric guitar, feedback, drums and rough vocals. It has an almost anthem sound to it and is a true classic that purely and simply starts the whole thing off. Then comes Floyd The Barber that chugs along at a more melodic pace. The first verse begins with the story of a man going to get a wet shave, by verse two it has moved onto the man being strapped into the Barber chair and then sexually molested. And by the third verse the Barber has been joined by his friends where they take turns torturing and finally murdering the man. About a Girl which is arguably one of Nirvana’s finest pieces of work and could be called the calm amongst the storm on this relentlessly heavy album is proven so by the exquisite acoustic version performed in New York during their Unplugged set. It was also used in one of the Guitar Hero games for all of you out there that need a popular culture reference to help you along. Negative Creep which is a lyrically cynical attack on Cobain himself and his own personality flaws, a reoccurring theme across all of his songwriting. It is also one of the heaviest tracks on the album which has lead to it being covered by the Californian Metal band Machine Head. You might also want to check out School, Love Buzz, Swap Meet. In truth I could name all 13 tracks on the Album and point out the pro’s of each but I don’t think that would make for an interesting read. Instead I will leave the conclusions of the reader and their opinions down to their ears and whether they feel inspired or repelled by this article.

I would like to think that you would be able to pick this album up for a couple of quid in a back row of any Independent record shop but sadly this is probably not the case. However, with the wonders of the World Wide Web a copy could easily be delivered to your doorstep with a minimal drain on your income. I would be equally surprised if you can’t find a friend who has the album stored away ready for an all important nostalgic day. If you don’t know anyone who would have it in their record collection then you need to search out and discover better friends.

Finally, I think that I should add something profound to get you to acknowledge this album if the ramblings above haven’t done so already. Nirvana may have ignited the World music stage back in 1991 with the release of Nevermind but it was back in 1989 when Bleach debuted that the fuse was truly lit.


A Spectator Sport?

A Spectator Sport?


So the ever present life partner that is my wife regularly takes it upon herself, along with various friends, to go and take part in organised long distance runs. Due to the working habits of just about every employed person I know the only time they have available to participate in these events is at weekends. Is it wrong that I invariably opt out of going along and cheering her home?

In my defence there are a number of reasons why these events can be a less than thrilling experience for the spectator. Firstly, the race is by no means a sprint. As these runs will be of a distance that will take no less than an hour at their shortest and over two and a half hours at their longest this all equates to a lot of standing around. When the occasion takes you to a vineyard in Dorking, Surrey on a day that sees temperatures rise to 30 degrees Celsius then these events can be bearable. Sun soaked strolls through the garden of Dionysus with a good book and music flooding my ears from a personal stereo are moments of joy that must be savoured. In this case three hours can pass by quite pleasantly. On the other hand going to Woodford in the London Borough of Redbridge on a cold, snow sodden February morning could only be top as the worst day of my life by a Bank Holiday trip to IKEA.

Another bonus to going along is having the chance to watch a lot of Lycra clad athletic female forms. I’m a pervert, sue me, all men are perverts. They may deny it to your face ladies and you may disagree with me but deep down all men have a hint of the sexual deviant in them. But I digress. On the flip side of the Lycra argument are the less flattering images that come with watching people do long distance running. The looks of absolute agony that cover the faces of a number of the competitors as they approach the finish line could haunt even the most hardened soul’s dreams.

Another perk of these early morning occurrences is the interesting people and surreal moments that you will see.  From a man dressed in a Lion suit causing a dog to go crazy and bark continuously at him until he removed the head of the outfit, to watching hundreds of runners all dressed as Santa Claus doing laps around Battersea Park, London on a cool December day. The people who stand at the finish line with some form of Public Addressing system and encourage the competitors over the line can add another level of amusement to the situation. They can be a great motivator on the final stretch of the course, offering encouragement in the form of shout outs for specific race numbers coming up to their finish line, giving out information about particular charities involved. But they can also be an annoyance to the spectator as they wail the same one liner over and over for three hours nonstop.

I guess the question I’m trying to ask is; am I a bad person for not wanting to spend my Sunday mornings traveling to see people run in circles round a park or vineyard or even the streets of east London? My own argument is that for a number of years of our relationship I would spend my Saturday afternoon’s running around various spaces of open ground pretending that I was a competent football player and not once did she come to watch. So maybe we are both as bad as each other? The fact it did not bother me that she never came should be taken into account and although seeing me at the finish line brings her joy at the end of a hard run she is never offended if I choose not to travel on my weekend.


An Interesting Form Of Employment – Concluded.

An Interesting Form Of Employment – Concluded.


The cold hits me first, then the water, then the rock beneath the surface. I feel my ribs crack but cannot count how many have been damaged. As the tide swirls me around, my mind is drawn to how I have come to this predicament. Never have I pulled the trigger on impulse, always am I sure of my shot, but his eyes seemed to burrow right down into my skin. And that cold smile, did he know I was there? My feet find some purchase so I push in the direction I think is up. I break the surface and sweet, sweet oxygen bursts into my lungs but before I can get my bearings, a wave pushes me back towards the shore sending tides of shooting pain from my broken ribs across my whole body. Only the salt water in my mouth stops me from crying out in agony. The second wave forces me into unconsciousness for what seems like only a moment and I’m smacked awake again as I am dumped head first into the shingle on the beach. I rise before the next wave can batter me some more and pull my revolver.

One of the guards is following me down on my rope so I put three rounds into him. I hear his body hit the ocean as I hold my stance waiting for the next man to follow. My error becomes apparent as the footfall on the sand beside me reveals that he was not the first man down after me but the second. Training is the key to such moments, but my ribs hinder my movement and my revolver is lost to the dark as a fist makes contact with my wrist. The lay of the shoreline has me slightly on the higher ground which proves as always to be the advantage.  His second strike doesn’t hit home but my left knee finds his throat with graceful ease. As I return to my feet he hits the floor gasping for air just as the tide hits a second blow right down onto his upper torso.

I leave at a sprint hoping to get some distance on him before he regains his composure.

Rifle, revolver and knife all lost.  Not a successful night.

My car is where I left it though and soon I am on the road and away from the worst work of my career.

The bath water was helping, but not much. I would need to go see someone about my ribs but not at this location.  I will need to relocate twice before I can receive medical help.  For now I will have to rely on my own field knowledge, which is more than adequate but not ideal.

Relocating will have to wait for now as an email has brought my night’s less than convincing performance to the front of all future tasks. The Employer is pleased and wishes to meet and thank me for my excellent work. My suspicions are high and I decide to soak some more before formulating a response.

A ping from my laptop announces that the Employer is a less than patient person. The message expresses his absolute desire to meet and includes a payment option for the face to face which amounts to a sum four times the payment for the initial contract. Money is of little consequence to me, but this exchange would see me into a nice relaxing retirement. For a time I sit back and let the water ease my strained muscles.

Another ping of a different tone sounds, which distinguishes my emails from my bank account details, the money has already been wired.

Conflict resides in my thoughts for the next hour.

Do I take the money, run and go against all my own codes of client loyalty?

Kindly reject the offer and return the money? Once wired, the money was gone and never going back to the client so a drop off would have to be arranged.

Or take the payment and go against all of my instincts that it is a set up?

For my sins, I respond with where would you like to meet?

Multi-story car parks have never been a favoured form of architecture to me and this one was no exception. Upon retirement though, I would never have to experience one again. So I enter, keeping to as many shadows as the halogen lights allow.

As I wait in the darkest corner my instincts are telling me to leave, forget the money and just go, that amount of money can be achieved again. Not nearly as quickly though. Seven or eight contracts over a three year period would probably see the amount reached, but only just. I have a few years left in me yet, although a recovery period for the broken ribs would more than likely leave me a good six months where working at a hundred per cent would just not be possible.  And if I am not at the top of my game, I do not play.

Before I can dwell on the dilemma any longer a vehicle engine cuts the silence.

A long black Limousine coasts into the empty lot and waits with its motor still running, the driver’s door opens and the chauffeur steps out. Without pause he is at the passenger door and it is opened. A man steps out his features are hidden by a deep hood that covers his whole head.  He nods his head to the chauffeur and walks towards the front of the car.  The driver’s door shuts as he returns to behind the wheel.

The hooded figure walks twenty feet in front of the vehicle and turns to face me from my hidden position.

How is that possible? Perhaps I have grown lax in my camouflage training of late. Practise will be required on all of my skills after this escapade. But will they? Retirement looms and much earlier than I had planned. All that can wait.  Let me get through this meeting first.

I decide to approach sticking to the shadows until the last possible moment. Fifteen yards away is close enough and I step just out into the light.

‘You wanted to see me? Well here I stand.’

A long pause and no response trouble me.

‘Do I not deserve a reply?’

The figure’s hand raises towards his hood and my hand reaches for my sidearm.

‘I will not be played with.’ I bark at him. ‘Answer me.’

The removal of his hood reveals his dilemma. The face before me is not a face at all. Its cheekbones and eye sockets are where they should be but no other features remained. Nose, eyes and mouth all void, a completely blank canvas of a face.

‘It is not he who wishes to meet you,’ a voice from the dark interjected.

I draw my weapon and turn towards the source of the voice.

‘You have no need for that,’ he continued.

I glance back at the featureless man but he has vanished without so much as a sound.  Movement takes my attention as the speaker steps into the light. His face is so familiar it turns my stomach, bringing forth a feeling I have not felt in a number of years, Fear.

I feel my grip loosen on my weapon, doubt and disbelief flooding over me.

His face smiles at me, a smile I had torn in two not twenty four hours previously. My client standing before me living and breathing and not a scratch upon his face.

Words fail me, but not he.

With a grin that could charm the world he states ‘I think I may have a job for you.’

THE END


An Interesting Form of Employment

An Interesting Form of Employment


And so I wait, patiently as always.

For what?

Time to pass? To an extent, yes, but not tonight.

Tonight I wait for a pay cheque. In the same way the money has always come in, flat on my belly staring down the scope of a high powered rifle, waiting for the right head to appear in the centre of the cross hairs. Whose head it is has long become unimportant just another face with an Incubus résumé sent to me by some wanton employer.

I myself am no angel, but neither am I one of the Fallen. This form of employment that I have found my main source of income is wrong and I have no illusions about it. I might tell myself that what I am doing is for the greater good, but it is no less evil than the men and sometimes women that I execute.

This evening’s employer is new to my services something that I do not do regularly. But as my asking price was doubled upon first contact, exceptions can be made.

Surrounded by bodyguards twenty four seven and bullet proof glass at home, in all his vehicles and places of work, this client has proven to be a tough man to eliminate.

For three months I have followed him trying to find a weakness in his daily routine, but to no avail. His home has, in fact, become the most viable spot for completion of the contract. Yet this will also be difficult. Impenetrable from the front due to ten feet high security fences with razor wire as the peak of these walls. Closed-circuit television monitoring every pre-sighted area of the courtyard and surrounding gardens, except for one very small section at the back North East corner. But this is theoretically covered by a two hundred foot drop straight down into the Ocean and a twenty foot overhang making it almost impossible to scale. Almost!

Oceans can be sailed and cliffs can be ascended, with the right equipment and training.

At the moment no one is home and all the lights are out, apart from the single glowing bulb from the guardhouse window.

Hydraulics whine and metal clanks as the electric gates open and the contract drives into the courtyard, his black Bentley disappearing round the side of the house. Lights begin to come on all over the overly lavish villa and gardens. I am almost caught in the sudden illumination and duck further down into the bushes.

Three figures wander into the living area. All are familiar to me; two males and a female.

The woman, a brunette, dressed in a red dress barely covering her modesty, heads to the mini bar and proceeds to pour herself a Hendrick’s gin and Tonic. She seems just another female for my client. Although, I have seen her face more than once so perhaps she is a favourite?

The two men stand face to face in discussion. One of them is clearly giving out orders and the other is listening intently. The latter nods in agreement. A well-formed man, his posture betraying his Military training, he is the client’s Chief of Security. His black suit and black polo neck jumper ill-fitting to his soldier’s physique.

Dressed in a fine, Milan tailored, dark grey pin striped suit and crimson shirt, my client couldn’t have looked more at ease in his outfit. A legitimate business at a glance, his various company books all appeared to be in order and above board, scratch the surface and you will find a number of charities contributing to the local and global communities. Look at him and you would see an all-round, nice, charitable and hard-working civilian. But appearances can be deceptive.

He was one of hundreds of ex-Soviet comrades who found themselves surplus to requirements after the collapse of Communism. KGB trained in The Lubyanka Building, Moscow, in all the relevant skills to make himself become invisible when he so required it. After 1991, he took himself to warmer climates helping with the sale and distribution of unused Soviet hardware to every small time dictator across the Americas. Murder, kidnapping, extortion and bribery brought him wealth and power in abundance.

The Chief of Security gives a nod, talks into his left suit cuff and walks over to the patio door. He slides it open and steps out into the cool coastal night. The client asks him to leave the door open. My job just got a whole lot easier. The chief begins his rounds of the garden before heading to his usual spot next to his two colleagues in the guardhouse.

The woman has my client all to herself and is wasting no time getting what she wants out of him on one of the sofas. Voyeuristic as my work is, I have never found sexual arousal in watching the carnal acts of the human species. I am a professional killer not a peeping Tom.

I turn my attentions to the grounds and the routine sweep that the two guards are now making. Their paths have long become memorised to the point where I know the exact amount of steps it will take each of them to reach each plant pot, hedge, piece of art, fountain or decorative lamp. Guard One never lingers and is professional to the last. Guard Two however is somewhat younger and lonelier I would imagine as I notice his steps falter at the sight of the woman writhing on the lap of his employer. A fault I had looked into as his attentions regularly drifted towards the sounds of his Employer during coitus, but apart from an affinity to very young looking girls on his web history, Guard Two was solid enough.

Their quarterly sweep completed, the guards go back to their house to fill the next 15 minutes with whatever they did for entertainment.

Even from this distant I can hear the woman’s over exaggerated climax. She must have been watching the same materials that Guard Two enjoyed so much. I return my right eye to the scope and watch her climb off my client, sweating and out of breath. My client has barely a bead of upon his forehead. She gives him a long, deep kiss, which he hardly acknowledges, grabs her dress and makes her leave for, I imagine, the bathroom. My Client in one swift motion rises to his feet and buckles up his trousers and with another quick stride he reaches the bar. This man is quick, very quick indeed. His hand darts into the ice bucket and drops the cubes into a glass then back for a bottle of Appleton Estate dark rum. He pours a healthy measure and swiftly takes a long gulp. In two large bounds he is at the open door. Now is my chance.

I take a breath and hold it.

My client takes another mouthful of rum.

The crosshairs centre at his forehead.

He lowers his glass to his side.

I flick the safety catch off.

He drops his empty glass onto a nearby chair.

I let out my breath.

His eyes meet mine as he stares straight down the scope at me, a broad smile forming across his face.

I pull the trigger, more out of shock than training. My client falls backward onto the glass coffee table just as his favourite returns from refreshing herself. Her scream pierces the night and brings the guardhouse spilling out into the grounds. I squeeze off another round and silence the screams. I readjust my aim and put two more bullets into the Chief of Security. He disappears amongst a bed of roses.

It’s time to leave.

I sling the rifle over my shoulder and grab the rope I have tied to a nearby tree, Without hesitation is the only way. I throw myself backwards off the cliff. At thirty feet from the water I pull on the ropes to slow my descent. Within twenty feet of the surf below the rope gets pulled from above and knocks the wind out of me. With more pace than seems possible, I am being pulled back up. I draw my knife and cut the rope relaxing my body to soften the impending impact.

TO BE CONCLUDED